First Date

August 3, 1998 was Gail and Paul’s first date. In many ways, it was not anything special, but in other ways it pointed to our compatibility. We had started emailing each other near the end of June. A mutual friend had suggested to me that Gail needed a pen pal. I knew that she was matchmaking and I almost did not email Gail. The only reason I did, was that I was in Colorado and Gail was in Oregon. The matchmaking was not going to work because of the long distance. So this first date was just to see who I had been emailing. I was out visiting my folks, and Gail and I had planned a hike in the Columbia River Gorge and have lunch together. That was it.

We met at The Grotto parking lot in Portland. It was easy to find each other because there were a couple of bus loads of Asian tourists there, and it appeared that we were the only two Caucasians. We drove to Multnomah Falls hoping to hike to the top but the trail was closed. We did get a picture taken on the bridge there. The guy who took the picture told us to get closer together and act like we liked each other. We had just met less than an hour ago.

We ended up hiking up behind Wahkeema Falls. As we hiked up the Gorge wall, we talked and learned more about each other. We came down and had a lunch Gail prepared, and then the date was supposed to end. But we decided to drive over to Portland’s Rose Garden and there continued our conversation. We talked until it was getting late. We stopped because we had to make sure to pick up Gail’s car at The Grotto before it closed. Since it was dinner time, we stopped at a nearby restaurant, “Elmer’s”, and that was our first date.

It ended up being a lot longer than I had planned, and yet there was no spark for either of us. I did not think anything of it even though we talked much longer than planned. Gail was a nice lady and I enjoyed my time with her. I was still a confirmed bachelor. Gail learned that I was a “Lord of the Rings” fan so she read “The Fellowship of the Ring”. She struggled to read the book and was surprised to find out that it was just the first of three books. (She still ended up marrying me, and did enjoy the BBC Lord of the Rings radio drama and the movies.)

We continued emailing each other. By the time December came around, I knew I wanted to spend more time with Gail, so I took an extra long Christmas vacation to visit my folks. I did not see much of my folks, but I saw a whole lot of Gail, and at the end of the vacation I realized that I was in love.

We got engaged in February, and on August 15, 1999, I married Gail. That is now 26 years ago and it all started 27 years ago with email and that first date. I am so thankful that God has blessed me with Gail. She has been a wonderful partner in life.

*****

Gail here:

Paul captured the day well. I want to add that the timing of our meeting was God’s perfect timing. Meeting Paul at that point in my life was just right. God had been working in both of us over the years and I can see how meeting any earlier would not have worked out as well. The way we met was also perfect. We saw that we were compatible and over the months that we continued to email nearly daily, I learned so much about what Paul thought and how he lived. With the “pressure off” our love and attraction grew. We could “talk” thoughtfully about important things through email, and I learned that Paul was wise, kind, and generous. He was and is God’s gift to me. We are very different, but wonderfully suited to each other. It’s a joy to live life together!

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More of the story can be found with these blog posts: Before Engagement and During Engagement.

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. (Ephesians 5:31-33)

Marriage

Marriage is found in all cultures. It is nearly universal. It is foundational to human society. Marriage has a positive effect on health and wellbeing. In marriage, families are formed and children are raised. And yet today, I find that in Western culture marriage and families are considered to be not very important. Instead the individual is considered to be much more important. Below I will describe marriage with a few insights I have learned. It will be a Biblical view of marriage.

God instituted marriage from the very beginning. Jesus summarizes it well when he said, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’?” (Matthew 19:4-5; Genesis 1:27, 2:24) God designed marriage for us. It is a gift to us. (Note some are called to be single and marriage is not for them (1 Corinthians 7:7-8).)

Marriage is a public covenant and a commitment you make in love. You promise and bind yourselves only to each other for life. Because of that commitment, marriage creates a safe place where intimacy rules. It is not just physical or sexual intimacy, but it is all the other types of intimacy too. You can safely share your concerns, your faults, your mistakes, your sins and everything else, because your spouse is there for you and will not run away. You can be vulnerable. They love you and want the best for you. They will listen to you as you share. They will forgive you. They will help you restore what has been broken.

Also marriage is a safe and stable place to raise children. The family is the building block of society. Studies have shown that children do better when both parents are a part of the family. Fathers are especially needed. The cornerstone of a Christian marriage is Jesus Christ. He is first in the marriage with your spouse as second, and the children are third. Children learn by watching how the husband and wife love and serve each other. And they also learn to serve God by watching their parents.

A Christian marriage is a witness to the world of God’s faithful love for us, his sacrificial service of love to us, and his loving commitment and pursuit of us. A Christian marriage displays the relationship between God and his people. God has been faithful in his love for us. Unfortunately, we have put ourselves, others, and things above God. We have not submitted ourselves to his loving guidance, and yet he still loves us and pursues us. He is so committed to us that Jesus came and died for us to allow that intimate relationship with us to be restored. Jesus is our bridegroom and we are the bride.

There is no such thing as a perfect marriage. A marriage joins two sinful people, so there will be problems and issues you have to deal with, but because of that covenantal commitment you both can work though those problems and issues. You need to talk with each other and especially listen to each other. You need to forgive each other. Great marriages require that commitment and for both of you to work at making the marriage great. It is worth the effort.

It is our 264th Monthiversary!

22 years ago on Sunday August 15, 1999, I married Gail Halstead. As I recounted in last year’s blog post, my life plans had not worked out as I had planned. Instead God’s plans were better. It was an unusual courtship back then with Gail in Oregon and me in Colorado. Because of that distance, we did a lot of emailing. Our six month engagement turned out to be unusual too.

Two months into our engagement, I became deathly ill with Guillain Barre syndrome. Nerves disconnected and I was paralyzed from the rib cage down with other parts of my body slightly less affected. I could not close my eyes, or pucker my lips. My hands were pretty useless. I spent 2 weeks in the ICU with a total of 6 weeks in the hospital. I then spent 7 weeks recovering in a nursing home, doing physical therapy and learning to walk again. After that, I continued my recovery at home. I ended up missing six months of work. My goal was to be able to walk with one cane down the aisle to get married. That I did, however I went back to two canes after the wedding for a period of time.

In many ways, this was not totally a negative experience. It gave Gail a chance to ask if she could love a man who might remain bedridden. Yes, she decided she could. She was able to get off work and fly out to visit me more often than she would have. It was very nice to see her even though I was in bed. I had to trust her with my finances and the selling of my townhouse. It was a bonding experience for us. And it was a faith growing experience for me. I grew more aware of God’s grace and goodness during this illness.

When we became engaged, Gail started reading several books on marriage and gave me three books to read. We wanted our marriage to be successful, because it is a vow, a commitment, we make for life to each other and to God. What I learned is that marriage takes work. I also learned that Gail’s love language was very different from mine. Over the years, we have taken several marriage courses to keep our marriage going strong, and of course we were always reminded that communication is very important. About a year ago, we took another marriage course, Marriage in Christ. It is a good course and we are planning on offering it at our church. You can also take the course online.

Our marriage has turned out great. I am very happily married to Gail. Marriage does take work and commitment. You can not and should not take the other person for granted. And you need to be intentional in your marriage. They are your partner in life and with some work you can have a wonderful marriage.